How To Handle Family During the Holidays

It's that time of year again. Holidays with families and extended relatives can trigger deep fears and self-doubt. In the 1995 movie Home for the Holidays, the main character contends with a very dysfunctional family system that may seem all too familiar. Worrisome thoughts swirl in your mind—how can you handle being around these family members and remain sane?

Unrealistically high expectations can derail our best intentions for feeling calm, unaffected, and resistant to past triggering memories. You may find yourself overreacting, lashing out in anger, looking for an easy escape, feeling hypervigilant, shut down, numb, or withdrawn—even from your best support people. It may seem you've become someone you don't recognize, as if trapped in a never-ending fight, flight, or freeze response cycle with no escape.

Before the Gathering: Preparation and Grounding

There is hope for coping with holiday stressors more effectively. Before attending the holiday gathering, check in with your body while visualizing yourself calm and centered. If you dissociate or feel disconnected, practice the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding technique to return to the present: note 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can smell, 2 things you can feel, and 1 thing you can taste—reciting a descriptive sentence for each.

Practice rounds of deep breathing exercises to loosen areas of tightness or tension (like "smell the pizza" breathing). Other grounding strategies include: snapping your fingers, humming a favorite tune, hugging someone you trust, cuddling or petting a beloved dog or cat, rubbing and keeping a favorite item (smooth rock or worry stone) in your pocket, plunging your hands in cold water, sipping something cold or hot, or taking a cold or very hot shower. Practice these strategies before and during holiday events.

During the Gathering: Setting Boundaries

Set boundaries that feel good to you. Limit discussing certain triggering subjects. Change the topic while maintaining eye contact. Don't sit next to triggering people—instead, sit next to trusted people. Set a code word or signal in advance with a support person for when you need a break, need to leave the room, or want to leave the gathering early.

Allow yourself to do what feels right, challenging guilt, shame, doubts, or embarrassment. Role-play in the mirror beforehand or with a trusted person, practicing how you'll speak using an assertive voice tone and language. Practice saying a firm "No," avoiding maybes, and walking away when needed. Wait and pause, letting urges to act out, rage, or yell simply pass by without taking action. Resist temptations to overindulge in carbs, sugary foods, and alcohol as a way to self-medicate.

After the Gathering: Rest and Recovery

Afterwards, notice any exhaustion, tiredness, or depletion—it may feel as intense as if you donated bone marrow. Intentionally rest and recover, extending kindness and compassion to yourself. It's over now, so avoid ruminating or engaging in self-criticism.

Tell yourself that the triggering people no longer have any control or power over you, while comforting the wounded part of yourself. You are safe, loved, and cared for by supportive others and even your own wise self. Congratulate yourself on successfully surviving another holiday with tenacity, wholeness, and self-compassion.

Thanks to Nicki Bywater for these great thoughts!